


Default

by darkjaden825698



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Fluff, Gender Confusion, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Genderqueer Character, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Supportive Bram Greenfeld
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 12:27:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14057001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkjaden825698/pseuds/darkjaden825698
Summary: "We’ve talked before about defaults. Straight. White. We just kind of assume these things about people until proven otherwise (as evidenced by the fact that I thought you were white until I met you, which I am still mentally kicking myself over). But I think there’s another default that we kind of glossed over."





	Default

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, this is just something I threw together hastily in the morning because I got inspired. Mostly by my own gender questioning. So yeah, enjoy!

Simon wasn’t sure why the word had made him so uncomfortable. It wasn’t like he hadn’t been called that before, and it wasn’t like he hadn’t  _ used _ the word before. So why now, seemingly out of the blue, did he get this strange, sticky feeling in his gut when Bram called him his “boyfriend?”

He just got this sinking feeling in his gut, like he’d just been called something not outright offensive, but still not exactly right. It was like how substitutes would pronounce his last name like “Spy-er”, or how his French teacher called him “ _ Simone _ .” It just didn’t sit well with him.

What made Simon feel worse, was that Bram had said it in such a way that he was trying to be cute and romantic. He said it to him after date night, when he drove Simon home and gave him a kiss outside his front door. “I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to have such an incredible boyfriend like you,” he said.

Simon knew he meant it in a good way. There was no other possible way to interpret that. It was a declaration of love.

So why did it rub Simon the wrong way?

“Good night, Bram,” he said, giving him a kiss on the cheek before returning into his home. A wave of guilt washed over him as he noticed Bram’s face flash with a kind of shocked sadness as he shut the door behind him.

Simon leaned his back against the door, and listened to the sound of Bram’s footsteps as he walked away back towards his car. His engine roared to life, and Simon heard Bram drive away. He blinked back tears. Why was he feeling this way? He didn’t like it.

About fifteen minutes later, Simon got a text from Bram.

_ Hey, just made it home safe. _

Simon and Bram always made sure to text each other whenever they got home, just as a kind of courtesy to ensure each other they got there alright. Usually the “made it home” text was filled with adorably annoying pet names and a mile long stretch of kissing emojis. Today, however, Bram’s text was short, simple, and filled with a nameless emotion Simon couldn’t place. Disappointment? Remorse? Depression? Kind of a mix of all three.

Simon sent back his reply.

_ Good, I’m glad you’re home. I miss you already. <3 _

He hoped that adding that last part would help to ease Bram’s worries a little bit. He could tell just by the look on his face that Bram felt like he did something wrong, which he totally didn’t. Well, technically it was Bram calling him his boyfriend that brought on his strange reaction, but that wasn’t Bram’s fault. It was his. Or maybe it wasn’t either of their faults.

Bram texted back almost instantly.

_ Miss you too. Is everything okay? You seemed kinda distant when I dropped you off. _

Simon briefly debated whether or not he should tell Bram about it, that the word “boyfriend” made his stomach twist into knots, and not in the way it usually did. But he worried that if he told Bram the word “boyfriend” made him uncomfortable, he would think it meant Simon wanted to break up with him. Which wasn’t the case at  _ all. _

They’d only been dating for a few months, but Simon was almost positive at this point that Bram was his soulmate, as cheesy and probably hasty as that way. Simon felt like a hypocrite, because he  _ really _ liked the thought of Bram being his boyfriend.

Simon shot Bram a quick text assuring him everything was fine, and that he was just tired. Bram replied with a worried sideways frowny face, and Simon didn’t really know how to respond after that, so he just went upstairs to go take a shower.

Seeing himself in the mirror after getting out of the shower felt weird. He looked at his face, and realized it looked different than he thought it did. Which sounded totally ridiculous, but it was almost as if the person Simon thought he was and the person he actually was were completely different people.

He changed into pajamas and settled in on his bed with his laptop. His gmail pinged. A new email from Blue.

Simon and Bram continued to email each other every now and then, still using their pen names, and still pretending to be anonymous to one another. It started as just a joke; Bram sent out an email a week after they started dating, pretending to be the anonymous Blue again, telling Jacques that he was sorry they hadn’t emailed in a while, and that he had a boyfriend now. Simon had responded with a similar message, and thought it was just Bram being cute and grammatical again. 

But then the emails kept coming. It was kind of fun, in a way. They pretended to not know each other’s secret identities still and continued to tell each other secrets and stuff. Eventually it just became another way of communication between them, a way for them to tell each other about their day, how they were feeling, etc. It was almost never a replacement for verbal communication, merely an addition.

But there were sometimes that writing an email to a quote-unquote “anonymous” person was easier than speaking in person. So whenever there was something they wanted to say, but couldn’t figure out how to say it out loud, they would email each other about it. Simon presumed this was one of those times.

> FROM: bluegreen118@gmail.com   
>  TO: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com   
>  DATE: April 23 at 9:25 PM   
>  SUBJECT: Feeling Blue
> 
> Hey Jacques,
> 
> Something weird happened to me today. I went on a date with my boyfriend, and things seemed to be going really well. But then when I dropped him off at his house, he started acting really weird and standoffish. It was kind of a dramatic shift, too. He was talkative and happy and honestly really freaking adorable the entire night. Even on the car ride back to his place, he was positively bubbly. So I’m kind of worried that I may have said something to offend him or something. I really hope I didn’t, because he’s honestly the most important person in my life, and I would hate to have offended him. I just really hope that, if I did offend him somehow, that he’ll tell me so I can apologize and make sure I don’t do it ever again. I guess I’m just asking for you input, Jacques. Do you think I did something wrong, and that I should apologize? Sorry for bothering you so late. I guess I’ve just been feeling kind of blue. (Ha, do you get it? Sorry, I use jokes as a coping mechanism.)
> 
> Hope you’re having a better night than me.
> 
> Love,   
>  Blue

Reading his email gave Simon a jolt of remorse. He knew Bram would take it personally, but he kind of hoped that he wouldn’t. He didn’t know how to respond, he still wasn’t sure why he felt the way that he did in the first place. Giving a small sigh, Simon decided to just send Blue a reply, assuring him that it wasn’t his fault, in their own weird anecdotal way. Maybe he’d figure it out as he typed.

> FROM: hourtohour.notetonote@gmail.com   
>  TO: bluegreen118@gmail.com   
>  DATE: April 23 at 9:34 PM   
>  SUBJECT: Re:Feeling Blue
> 
> Blue,
> 
> What a coincidence! I just got home from a date with my boyfriend, too! Mine went just as well. I had an absolutely great time.
> 
> I’m sure it wasn’t anything you did, Blue. Maybe your boyfriend is just having a weird night? I know I’m having a bit of a strange one. I really did have a great time with my boyfriend tonight. Honestly, the night was absolutely perfect. But when he dropped me off, I started getting this weird feeling. It wasn’t anything he said that made me feel this way, explicitly, but I guess something he said kind of planted some seeds in me that grew into a weird, blossoming, sentiment in my stomach.
> 
> He called me his “boyfriend.” Which, like, isn’t new at all. He’s called me his boyfriend before. Heck, we’ve been boyfriends for months, now. And it’s never felt weird before, but tonight it did. And I don’t exactly know why?
> 
> And before you start jumping to conclusions, it is definitely  _ not _ because I want to break up with him. Honestly, this boy is like the shining light in my life. He makes me feel safe, wanted, validated. He is honestly the most perfect boyfriend a guy could ask for.
> 
> Wait. I’ve been staring at that last sentence for three minutes because something felt off about it. I couldn’t figure out what it was, but I think I understand it now.
> 
> It isn’t the “boyfriend” part in particular that gives me this weird feeling. It’s...the “a guy could ask for” part. Particularly the word “guy.”
> 
> Blue, I’ve told you before that I’ve known for a long time that I’m gay. And like, I know I’m not into girls, that’s for sure. And I’m definitely into guys. But I don’t know if I can really consider myself “gay.” If you describe gay as “not-straight,” then yeah, I’m gay as hell. But if you use the more specific definition of “a boy who likes boys,” that’s where things start getting kinda hazy.
> 
> We’ve talked before about defaults. Straight. White. We just kind of assume these things about people until proven otherwise (as evidenced by the fact that I thought you were white until I met you, which I am  _ still _ mentally kicking myself over). But I think there’s another default that we kind of glossed over.
> 
> Why am I supposed to default to boy, just because of the parts that I have?
> 
> And I’m definitely not saying I’m a girl, because I definitely don’t feel that way. It’s just, I don’t really feel like a boy, either. Like, is there something other than boy or girl? Why do we even have genders anyway? Who looked somebody, saw a penis, and decided “this person shall be called he, and he shall be different than people without a penis?”
> 
> It just feels...weird. Like this kind of...nagging thought at the back of my mind. I really don’t know how else to describe it. It just kind of feels like...like Jacques is his own person, and I’ve just kind of been airlifted into his body, but I’m not 100% Jacques. Or I am, because I am Jacques, and I’m just...not the Jacques everybody thinks I am?
> 
> Does this make any sense? I really hope you don’t think I’m weird, Blue. I hope my boyfriend doesn’t think I’m weird, either. I know he’s said he’s only into guys, and I suppose I’m worried that, if I’m not a guy, that he won’t like me anymore.
> 
> I’m sorry if this email freaked you out, Blue.
> 
> Love,   
>  Jacques

As Simon hit the send button, he noticed that his hands were shaking. Well, he was right. He certainly did figure it out as he typed. Not once in his life before this had Simon even ever considered the possibility that he wasn’t a boy. When he first found out that transgender people were a thing, he was initially a bit uncomfortable by the thought. He wondered why anybody would ever think that they were something they weren’t. 

Now, though, Simon realized that that wasn’t the case at all. They were exactly who they thought they were, and it was everybody else that thought they were something different.

Simon noticed his breathing get shaky, and he took a deep breath to try and steady it. That was when his phone started ringing. It was Bram. His heart sank deep into his stomach as he thought about the conversation they were about to have.

“Hello?”

“Simon.” 

He only said his name, but there was a warmth to Bram’s voice, a sort of kindness and compassion. It wasn’t what Simon expected. He felt himself start to cry.

“Simon, it’s okay.” Bram must have heard him crying. “Babe, you’re the most important person in the world to me.”

“Really?”

“Really really,” he said. “I don’t care if you’re a guy or a girl or something in between. You’re still my Simon, and you’ll always be my Simon. Unless you change your name, in which case, you’ll be my whatever-your-new-name-is.”

Simon laughed, wiping the tears from his eyes. “I love you.”

And he realized this was the first time he’d said it out loud. Bram was quiet for a moment, and Simon briefly worried that he’d jumped the gun, said it too soon, before they were ready.

But Simon could hear Bram smiling through his voice, and he said, “I love you, too.”

Simon bit his lip. It was the most beautiful sound to ever grace his ears. Better than any Elliott Smith song.

“So what do you want me to call you?” Bram asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Like, do you want to go by a different name? Different pronouns? If I can’t call you my boyfriend, what do you want me to call you? I want to be supportive.”

Simon smiled. “Simon is fine. Simon never felt like ‘a boy’s name’ to me, it always just kinda felt like  _ my  _ name. And...I guess, you can still call me he. That’s never felt wrong, just the explicitly gendered terminology like boy, man, guy...Though you can still refer to me as a guy if we’re in a large group, like ‘Hey, guys!’ I won’t get offended by that. Or dude, you can still call me dude. Dude is kind of gender neutral anyway…”

Simon rambled on for a few minutes, figuring out more about his new identity as he talked. Bram sat quietly on the other line, interjecting a few “uh huhs” or “mhms” when he deemed it necessary to ensure Simon was still listening.

“And instead of boyfriend, maybe just...partner? Lover? Significant other? I dunno, none of those have the same ring as boyfriend, yknow?”

“What about Simon?”

“What about me?”

“No, like...My Simon. You’re my Simon. And I’m your Bram.”

Simon’s smile widened. “I think I’d like that.”


End file.
